“Nobody played with me today.” It’s hard to hear at pick-up. The good news is that making friends is a set of skills, and skills can be practised. Here’s how to help your child make friends at school: what friendships look like in the first years, skills to practise at home, easy playdates, what to say when your child feels left out, and when to talk to the teacher.
Why do friends matter so much for young children?
The Raising Children Network puts it simply: “Your child’s world gets bigger when they start school.” When your child has close friends, it explains, “your child feels like they belong”. Home still matters most, though: family gives your child “a stable, safe base through the ups and downs of making and losing friends.”
What do friendships look like in the first years of school?
In the early years, friendships often start simply because classmates play together. Your child might play with lots of children, have one or two playmates, or prefer their own company. If your child seems happy, Raising Children says, “you might not need to worry about trying to find friends for them.”
It’s normal for young children to play with different children across the week, because they haven’t settled on favourites yet. Older school-age children tend to have one or two close friends plus a wider group. And a small circle is fine: “Some children are happy with just a few close friends or even just one friend.”
Friendship skills to practise at home
Raising Children suggests games and activities at home that let your child practise friendship skills: board games, for example, are great for taking turns. Role-play helps too: you play the new child, then swap.
| Skill | Try this at home |
|---|---|
| Saying hello | Practise an easy opener. Raising Children’s example is “Hello, I’m Kaia. What’s your name?” |
| Joining in | Role-play walking up to a game and asking, “Can I play?” Some children find it easier to take a ball or a game to share. |
| Sharing and taking turns | Play board and card games, and talk it through: “Now it’s my turn to play a card, and then it’s your turn.” |
| Kind words | Use them at home and notice them: please, thank you, well done, nice try. |
| Including others | Ask, “What could you do if someone is sitting by themselves?” Practise saying, “Do you want to play?” |
| Saying sorry | Role-play saying sorry after a hurtful word, then talk about how to make it right. |
Playdates: keep them small and simple
A playdate is a great way to turn a classmate into a friend. Ask your child who they’d like to invite, and have a chat with the other parent at drop-off or pick-up. If your child isn’t sure, notice who they play with before or after school, or ask the teacher.
- Put away precious toys first, so there’s less to argue about.
- Start with a snack or a drink to help the children relax.
- Have an activity or two ready, but give the children space to work out how to get along.
- If playdates are tricky for your child, keep them short, around 1–2 hours.
Activities outside school, like sport, dance, art classes or Scouts, are another way to meet children with similar interests.
What to say when your child says “no-one likes me”
Raising Children says most children will come home at some stage and say “No-one likes me” or “I don’t have any friends”. It’s common, and these steps can help.
- Listen first. Your child may want to talk, or may want quiet time and a hug. Sometimes, Raising Children says, that “can be enough.”
- Ask what happened and how they felt. For example: “How did you feel when Ali wouldn’t let you play?”
- Look for a simple fix. Your child might need to learn the rules of a new game so they can join in, or a few words to invite others to play.
- Practise together. Role-play joining a game, or taking turns to choose what’s played at recess.
- Use what the school offers. If there’s a buddy program or a buddy bench, encourage your child to use it.
If your child is the one who upset a friend, Raising Children suggests role-playing saying sorry. Big feelings often need to settle first, and our calm-down strategies for kids can help with that part.
Is it a falling-out or bullying?
Friends fall out. At primary school, Raising Children says, children often disagree with friends, “but they usually sort them out quite quickly.”
Bullying is different. Bullying No Way, run by Australia’s education authorities, describes it as “when someone repeatedly and intentionally uses their power or status to harm, upset or intimidate someone else.” The national definition that Australian schools use adds that “Single incidents and conflict or fights between equals, whether in person or online, are not defined as bullying.” Even so, Bullying No Way says “any behaviour that may be harmful to children and young people needs to be addressed”.
When should I talk to the teacher?
Talk to the teacher if a friendship problem keeps going, or if your child seems unhappy about school, isn’t eating lunch, or stops talking about their friends. Teachers see the playground and, in Raising Children’s words, “can give you a clear picture of what’s going on.”
If you think your child is being bullied, Bullying No Way says the class teacher is a good first point of contact in primary school. Make a time to meet, and bring notes of what your child has told you. All schools must have policies and procedures to deal with bullying, and if you’re not happy with the response, you can go to the principal.
If your child gets very upset about friendships, ask about a school counsellor, or talk to your GP. Kids Helpline offers free, confidential counselling for young people aged 5 to 25, 24/7, on 1800 55 1800. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 000.
What children learn about friendship at school
- In Victoria, Health and Physical Education for Years 1 and 2 includes learning to “identify and explore personal and social skills and strategies to develop respectful relationships” (VC2HP2P03). Respectful Relationships education is, in the Victorian Government’s words, “a core component of the Victorian Curriculum from foundation to year 12.”
- In the Australian Curriculum, used in most other states, children in Years 1–2 “identify and explore skills and strategies to develop respectful relationships” (AC9HP2P02), including “describing behaviours that may cause hurt or harm to others”.
KidStudy’s Year 1 Health lesson Being a Good Friend covers kind words, sharing and taking turns, asking a child who is alone to play, and making up in four steps: stop, say sorry, help fix it, and play again. Its point is that all friends upset each other sometimes, and what matters is saying sorry and making it right. The home activity, Kindness hunt, asks your child to do one kind thing at home, one at school and one with a friend during the week, then write or draw each one on a card.
Games are a big part of making friends, so see our guide to teaching kids to be a good sport. For talking about belonging, try our Harmony Week guide for families.
Questions parents ask
How can I help my child make friends at school?
Practise friendship skills at home, like saying hello, joining in, taking turns and kind words. Arrange short playdates, and let your child go at their own pace.
Is it normal for my child to have only one friend?
Yes. The Raising Children Network says some children are happy with just a few close friends or even one. They don’t need a big group to feel happy and accepted.
What should I say when my child says no-one likes them?
Listen first, then ask what happened and how they felt. Look for a simple fix, like practising words to join in. If it keeps happening, talk to the teacher.
Why does my child play with different kids every day?
In the early years, children often play with different children across the week because they haven’t settled on favourites yet. Closer friendships tend to come later.
When should I talk to the teacher about friendship problems?
When a problem keeps going, your child seems unhappy about school, or you think they may be bullied. The class teacher is a good first point of contact.
What is the difference between bullying and a falling-out?
Bullying is repeated and deliberate: someone uses their power to hurt, upset or frighten another person. A single fight between equals isn’t bullying, but it should still be dealt with.
Sources
- How to help your child make friends, Raising Children Network
- Friends: FAQs, Raising Children Network
- Sharing, Raising Children Network
- What is bullying?, Bullying No Way (Australian Education Authorities)
- Reporting bullying to the school, Bullying No Way
- About Kids Helpline, Kids Helpline
- Respectful Relationships, Victorian Government
- Victorian Curriculum F–10 Version 2.0: Health and Physical Education, VCAA
- Australian Curriculum v9.0: Health and Physical Education, curriculum content F–6, ACARA
