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Teaching kids to be a good sport: losing well, winning kindly and fair play

By the KidStudy team8 min read

Tears over Snakes and ladders. A board flipped over. A sulk after Saturday sport. Learning to lose, and to win nicely, takes young children a while. Here’s how to go about teaching kids to be a good sport: what it means, why losing feels so big, how to help your child lose well and win kindly, fair rules and turn-taking, including everyone, and how grown-ups can help from the sidelines.

What does being a good sport mean?

The Raising Children Network describes playing fair as “learning and using the rules of the game and putting them into practice”, whether that’s family rules for a card game or the rules at Saturday sport. It also means social skills, “like cooperating, taking turns, being polite, solving problems and being flexible.”

Being a good sport is the attitude that goes with it. “How your child plays the game is more important than winning or losing,” Raising Children says. “When your child understands this, they’ll be a ‘good sport’ and have fun playing, no matter whether they win or lose.” In the words of KidStudy’s Fair Play lesson, a good sport “says good game, shakes hands, and never teases or sulks.”

Why is losing so hard for young children?

Part of it is age. Raising Children notes that “children younger than 6-7 years find it hard to understand formal rules”, so simple games where each child gets a turn, with short waits, work best for little ones. Children cope better with competition as they get older.

Part of it is wanting to win. Competition can motivate children to do their best, but it also “increases the desire to win”, and that’s when children may challenge the rules and the other players. Raising Children’s message for children is that “strong emotions during play are OK, but they still need to behave respectfully and fairly.”

Keeping it fun matters. The Australian Sports Commission says that for active 5–11 year olds, “Fun and enjoyment is the key driver for ongoing participation and activity”.

How to help your child lose well

  • Start with games of luck. Raising Children explains that we all “find it easier to lose in a game of luck than in a game of skill”, because losing a game of chance says nothing about you. Try Snakes and ladders or Snap, then build up to games of skill like chess or pick-up sticks.
  • Praise how they played. After a loss, talk about what went well: “You followed the rules really well.”
  • Let them win sometimes, not always. Letting young children win now and then keeps them interested, but winning every time makes it harder to learn that nobody always wins.
  • Calm first, talk later. If your child is very upset, help them calm down before you talk about what happened. Our calm-down strategies for kids have ideas.
  • Practise the words. “Good game” and a handshake or high five at the end of every family game soon become a habit.

How to help your child win kindly

Winning feels great, and it’s fine for your child to be proud. Raising Children says a good winner shows “sympathy and support to the losing team or player.” Try to discourage boasting, and talk about the fun everyone had instead. If your child boasts a lot, praise them for other things, like cooperating, sharing or being helpful.

Taking turns and agreeing on the rules

Before any game starts, go over the rules so everyone knows how they make the game fair. Better still, let your child help make them. Raising Children suggests asking questions like “If the ball goes out of bounds, what do you think should happen?”, because “If your child feels they’ve had a say in the rules, they’re more likely to follow them.”

If your child isn’t playing fair, take them out of the game and say calmly what to do instead, for example, “The rules say that you can have only one throw each turn.” If it keeps happening, they may need to sit out the rest of the game.

This home activity from KidStudy’s Fair Play lesson puts it all together. Play in a clear space away from roads and driveways.

  1. Invent a game. Make up a simple throwing or catching game with a soft ball or beanbag.
  2. Agree on three rules together, so the game is fair.
  3. Play it, and take turns.
  4. Check in afterwards. Ask: was it fair and fun for everyone? If not, change a rule and play again.

Fair doesn’t always mean the same: including everyone

Children often think fair means everyone gets exactly the same. Sometimes fair means changing the game a little, so everyone can take part. The Australian Curriculum makes the same point in Year 3, where children discuss “situations where it is not fair to have one rule that treats everyone the same; for example, if some people, such as students with disability, have different needs”.

The Australian Sports Commission’s TREE model gives teachers and coaches four things they can change to include “students with a range of abilities”:

  • Teaching style: how the game is explained, such as simple instructions and demonstrations.
  • Rules: “Simplifying or changing rules, then re-introduce as skill levels increase.”
  • Equipment: “different sizes, shapes, colours, textures and/or weights”.
  • Environment: the size of the playing area, its zones, and whether players sit or stand.

And the best way to find out what helps is to ask. Play by the Rules and the Australian Sports Commission advise that you put the person first and “ask people … what flexibility or adaptations need to be made rather than assuming you know.” For more on helping children feel included, see how to help your child make friends at school.

Being a good sport on the sidelines

Children copy what grown-ups do. Play by the Rules reports a University of South Australia study which found that when parents behave positively, “their children were more likely to also engage in respectful behaviour towards their team-mates and the opposition.” Its parent code of conduct template includes:

  • “Respect the decisions of coaches and officials at all times.”
  • Encourage “enjoyment, effort, and participation rather than just outcomes or performance.”
  • “Applaud excellent plays and teamwork from all players, and avoid jeering or booing the opposing team.”

Raising Children suggests sideline words like “Better luck next time”, “Good try” or “Well played”.

What children learn about fair play at school

  • In Victoria, Health and Physical Education for Years 1 and 2 includes learning to “co-construct and apply rules to promote fair play and inclusion in a range of physical activities” (VC2HP2M04) and to “apply strategies to work cooperatively when participating in physical activities” (VC2HP2M05). Examples include “demonstrating turn-taking and sharing equipment” and “suggesting and trialling how a game can be changed so that everyone can be involved”.
  • In the Australian Curriculum, used in most other states, Years 1–2 children “co-construct and apply rules to promote fair play in a range of physical activities” (AC9HP2M04) and “apply strategies to work collaboratively” (AC9HP2M05).

KidStudy’s Year 2 Health lesson Fair Play covers why games have rules, passing the ball so everyone gets a go, saying “good game” whether you win or lose, and changing a game so a friend who uses a wheelchair can play too. It includes a warm-up of pretend catching, bouncing, kicking and cheering, and its home activity is the make-up-a-fair-game challenge above.

Questions parents ask

How do I teach my child to be a good sport?

Agree on the rules before you play, praise effort rather than the score, practise saying “good game” after every game, and be a good sport yourself.

How do I help a child who is a sore loser?

Start with games of luck, like Snakes and ladders, where losing says nothing about skill. Help your child calm down after a loss, then talk about what they did well.

Should I let my child win games?

Sometimes. Letting young children win now and then keeps them interested, but if they always win, it’s harder to learn that nobody wins every time.

At what age do children understand rules?

The Raising Children Network says children younger than 6–7 find formal rules hard. Simple games where everyone gets a turn, with short waits, work best before then.

How can I make a game fair for a child with disability?

Change the way you explain it, the rules, the equipment or the playing area, and ask the child what helps rather than guessing.

What should I say after my child’s team loses?

Ask whether they had fun before asking about the score, praise their effort, and keep it positive. Phrases like “Good try” or “Well played” work well.

Sources

Related lesson

Health · Year 2 Fair Play Rules, turns, being a good sport, and including everyone. Start the lesson ›

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